God's reply

I was up practically all Saturday night and wasn't particularly inclined to go to church. I'd been feeling down.. (see the previous blog) and wasn't interested in socializing with people. Plus I knew it was the first Sunday since all my friends had gone home. However, my mom once told me that on the
Sundays that you don't want to go to church. You probably need to be there. And it's so true! Pastor Cliff is awesome. He spoke about the 4 things that every Christian will go through to be refined by God. It was so encouraging to know that I'm just in that waiting period. Sometimes it just seems unending, but I have to remember that God has a plan, and the end result of this is a more sanctified me with a deeper relationship with God. Nothing beats that. NOTHING!!! It's all about perspective, which has been the lesson of the month. :)

At a loss

I was thinking tonight. I'm working at camp this summer and I have a house for next fall but what happens now? Where am I going in life? What the heck am I doing? And as much as I'd like to say I'm waiting on God, I just don't know anymore. I used to say that I just didn't have direction and that God would tell me in time, but after 4 years of this, I'm beginning to ask myself questions like "Have I not prayed enough?" or " is there some major sin or something in my life that I'm holding on to so that God can't use me yet?" because really shouldn't I have some idea by now? At 22 when I should have graduated, here I am with no plans beyond this summer, no ideas about the future, and no passions to pursue. What is wrong with me? Why won't God show me where to go? Why is it that when I look around I see my friends full of plans for the future, or already working at jobs with their degrees, or at least positive about the direction God wants them to go. Why is it that I can't even say "well I'll pursue this interest while I wait on God" because there is not interest to peruse.
And the killer here is that I don't really have anyone I trust to ask these questions to. Because I really want my dad. A man. A spiritual advisor whose words I will trust. But that is no one I know right now, no one I'm close to. On days like today my heart aches, crying out "Someone hold me, someone take care of me!" I don't want to be in charge of me. I don't know what to do. I want wise council, and yet I find myself without. And I can no longer tell myself that God will be my only council, because I'm not hearing him, and I feel lonely, desperate for someone else to talk to, yet who? Who will share the burden of my life? and who will walk this road with me.

Dad

I figure Sarah is the only one who really reads these anymore so I'm not going to be real concerned with the fact that I'm about to get completely personal and emotional.
I know that I delude myself a lot into thinking that something will happen a specific way in the future. But what I don't understand is how I manage to continue to hope for something that won't happen. This I think needs some setting up...
My good friend Laura just got married... Wow was it only yesterday? Guess so. It was a beautiful wedding and other than feeling a bit strange when I realized that I too could get married at this point, I was mostly just excited for her.
The only time I cried is when as we all were standing at the back of the church I got to watch as her father came up to great her. His face just said so much, I could see him remember all the years they had together, and the change to knowing that this walk was the final one, I saw pride and love, sadness and excitement, and all the emotions that go with giving a daughter away to another man. And I cried. Some I admit was for them and the moment, but mostly because I will never experience that. I will never get to have my Dad walk me down the isle, or tell me how proud he is or that he loves me, not ever again.
I've often thought that when I find the right man I will either get from him a mother who I can be friends with, or a father who will replace mine (by that I mean be someone I can talk to about whatever is going on in my life and know that he will care.. basically someone just like my dad) Or if I'm really lucky, both. But it hit me on the way home that I won't get either one of those things that I so desperately want, by the simple fact that they won't be my parents. They didn't birth me or raise me or nurture me, and therefore the relationship that I so desire to be restored will never be. This kills me. And you can tell me that God is the father to the fatherless but I argue that it's not the same, and it still hurts and even though it's been almost 5 years, I find that I still can feel the pain, and the loneliness.