worthless

Honestly I've never felt more worthless than I do today. I'm fat.. so fat that nothing fits right and all I wear are work clothes and Big sweatshirts so I can hide all my chub. I'm tired of my personality which is so much fun for other people but just not good enough. Well that is to say that I'm not a girl to any guys... Just one of the guys.. and while girls find me to be tons of fun I'm not really to be taken seriously as a friend, not even really by my best friend who flat out tells me that she doesn't tell me much. Like thats really something I wanted to be told.. but then I'm pretty sure people think I just don't have feelings.. or that at the most I don't take anything personally. I wish I didn't. I wish I wasn't such an emotional roller coaster. It's like a double whammy.. I'm not really that good looking and there is no personality to compensate for that. No wonder I always get the lecture about my future husband being so special.. I'm such a freak who would have me.
I hate having all the answers. Thats right I have all the answers.. you don't grow up as a pastors kid and not know all the right answers to your own questions. Of course you can't really pray to get thin so some boy will notice you.. A. thats a very selfish prayer.. and God isn't into selfishness. and B Is that really keeping God's bigger picture in mind because we wouldn't want to pray for something that isn't in God's will and besides if I was really close God then I would only pray for things in his will and I'm pretty sure God just wants me to love me for myself and not wish to be something else so thats definitely not a good prayer lets scratch that. How about praying that I find a guy. Wait no lets not jump the gun on God's timing here and again with the selfishness thing.. shouldn't God me enough.. Nope not that either.. better to ray for the spiritual well being of them whoever they might be. Sometimes I drive myself crazy. I sure hope other people understand life more than I do because it sure sucks.. what's the point. No really. I've been told that God has special plans for my life.. well I don't see it and I'm almost sure that he keeps me alive just to amuse himself with how twisted someone's mind can get, I hate it. I don't want to play anymore.

"Always a Bride's Maid"

I think I'm on a fast track to proving the old adage "always a bride's maid never a bride". Yep Here I go helping to plan the 6th wedding of my career in weddings. Ok so actually it's only the 4 th one that i'll be a bride's maid in but seriously. Actually I'm pretty excited to help Kara. We went to a "bridal extravaganza" thing the other day it was rather overwhelming and I'm pretty sure I'd like to elope should it ever come around to being my turn. I got to make up some sample invitations the other day .. so thats coming along. But we still have to pick out dresses and things. But really life is good. Although a bit strange I guess I'm all out of plans for my life.. maybe thats a good thing. Who knows. Anyway it's an update of sorts. :)

overwhelmed by grace

It takes me by surprise sometimes the many things God has given me. Things that I would not even normally think of as a gift. There is the wonderful yet obvious blessing of family and friends, and the way he always provides for my needs. I love to sing and he has also given my the ability to do that on key. (always a plus) All of this is wonderful and I do thank God for these and many more blessings, I just realized though that God has also blessed me with a strong conscience, I love realizing that the Holy Spirit in me is active and vocal in my heart. I've come to see that I'm a bit different in that when I'm thinking of doing something I know I shouldn't I seek council from people I KNOW will tell me that I'm doing wrong. I want to be corrected. That can only be God in me. Also I'm so grateful that God has allowed me to attend churches that teach his word clearly so that I learn and know to discern between right and wrong. I attended another church this last weekend and it really reinforced just how blessed I'm am with my church. God's grace is great indeed.

Trust

I've found that my biggest hurtle in any relationship is trusting the other person. I didn't realize the extent that this had affected me until I began to draw closer to God. I then found myself contently blockaded by my own unwillingness to trust God. God, the one who created me, the only one who truly knows me, and the only one who can see past present and future so as to direct my life in the best possible way, and I didn't trust that he was doing the right things for my life. This was a huge problem. Seeing as I wasn't making any kind of progress trying to force myself to trust him more, I asked Him to teach me trust. I spent all summer learning this lesson. With no job and a serious control issue, I gradually learned to be at peace knowing that God was taking care of me. I found comfort in an old song by Petra, "No doubt". My favorite line became "This test of your faith will last, as long as it takes to pass, till you have no more doubt you'll endure, that your faith will emerge true and pure". I recently realized that this test was not as difficult as it could have been, God did provide for all of my needs while I had no job, and He didn't have to. My lesson could have been to trust in spite of not being provided for, or having all of my things burn in a fire, and all I can be is grateful that God prepared me to want to learn trust, and that he allowed my heart to be receptive to the lesson. I pray now that my heart will be always ready to learn, and that it never gets so hard that God has to do really drastic things to get my attention. By the way I just got a job at Starbucks, something I've always wanted. I can't wait to see what God will do next.

bombing insurance!

I've decided that insurance companies are possible the most convoluted and unhelpful people in the world. In all the stress of trying to figure out what I was supposed to do about my car, My insurance managed to be to so unhelpful that they ended up causing me to cry in frustration. And I think My rates are going to go up because of stuff. GRRR. SO I'm definitely switching companies. But ya I finally got stuff figured out a bit more due a great deal to my roommate Kara. THANK YOU KARA. And I'm now in a rental car paid for by the other guy's insurance.. It's the color of a bee's butt. Woo hoo... ( I once promised myself never to drive a yellow car... sad) Anyway things are looking a little better for now, I just have to figure out how much I'll get for my car.. which is totalled. YA nothing like owning a car for a week. Right well the next thing is getting another car.. ugh. GOD HELP I DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS!!!!

Only God Knows!

About a week ago as I was sitting in the Starbucks drive through smoke started coming through my heating vents. After a few lung-fulls, I was understandably freaking out, in a very calm sort of way. I decided a visit to the car place was in order and without delay called my general car physician and made arrangements to take my car in to the shop. Thankfully another car was available for me to drive. My sister Becky had been in Ohio for nanny school, and had left her car here at my mom's house. After a quick call and a couple of rides, I was back in business till I could (what I then thought) fix my car. Well Friday came and the mechanic called to tell me that my car, worth only about 300.00 dollars needed at least 800.00 in repairs, and was basically undriveable. Well being a girl with two jobs trying to make ends meet, you might imagine that 800.00 dollars, while I have that money, would constitute all that I have. Quite concerned, I talked with my sister Becky who I picked up at the airport on Saturday. We shared her car all week while she was here, and in a HUGE act of loving generosity, she gave me her car. We worked hard to change the title and get it registered and insured during our busy week of activities. I was thrilled to have a working car, and it even has 4 doors, a dream come true for me. Life was once again back on track. Well that all changed this morning as I was on my way to watch my nephews. Literally 2 blocks from their house I got hit by a bus. Yes a bus. my trunk is about 2/3 the size it used to be. I've never been hit before so I'm a bit stressed trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing.. My car won't start and I need to get it towed, but I'm waiting for the insurance people to call me back. But the most uncomfortable part of the morning was my ride in the police car. The officer drove me the rest of the way to my sister's house. Awkward. I figure God knows what he's doing and I'll get to learn something. Hey praise God I'm still alive and unharmed right?!

something better

All my life I've wanted to get married and be a mom. I always figured and never heard any different, that I couldn't find someone to marry then it was ok and God would give me peace. I don't know if you catch the underlying tone, but thats basically saying that singleness is second best. There are TONS of books on how to catch a guy, or how to be happy until someone comes along, Or my personal favorite is the people who tell you to just stop looking because thats when they found the right one. After all love just happens to us like stubbing our toe.
Well I won't go off here about my ideas of love, but I would like to share about my discovery that God has something better. I was talking to my brother and his new wife as I caught a ride from them into Kansas City after their wedding. Jon shared with me that before he found Rachelle he would pray for his future wife every day. I had heard that before, but it was when he told me that if that wasn't what God had for him, then God had something better, and he was excited to see what that something would be. This guy wasn't moping about trying to find peace about something that was second best, something he was settling for. He was excited to see what that something better was going to be. And now so am I.
Thanks Jon and Rachelle for sharing with me and impacting my life so.